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Keywords:

• I had an awesome time.

Description: I don't care if I negatively impacted others.

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• Pretty girls always come out on top.

Description: Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.

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• That's how I like my men:

Description: traumatized and crying in a ball.

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• Moral of the story:

Description: I'm going to stab everyone.

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• I'm a mess right now.

Description: I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment.

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• But it's not about our feelings.

Description: It's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives.

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• I'm getting a scooter with a sidecar.

Description: And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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• Like I told you yesterday:

Description: virgins, blood, my name. Do it.

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• I ate one of your animal crackers.

Description: just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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• Maybe that's why I'm perpetually single.

Description: I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.

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• Roses are red; violets are blue...

Description: I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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• He can't hurt my feelings.

Description: I don't have feelings.

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• I just removed my own stitches!

Description: On a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?

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• There is a priest convention here.

Description: I feel like god is laughing at me.

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• I've seen enough of you for today.

Description: Go away now please.